5 Secrets About Yourself You Should NEVER Tell a Man (He Doesn’t Need to Know!) | Dating Advice
Mat Boggs shares dating advice for women and 5 Secrets About Yourself You Should NEVER Tell a Man (He Doesn't Need to Know!)
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Mat Boggs Bio:
As a sought-after dating and relationship coach for women and international speaker, Mat Boggs has helped thousands of women understand men, improve their relationships, and attract the relationship they want.
As the best-selling author of Project Everlasting, and creator of Cracking The Man Code, Mat Boggs? dating and relationship advice has been featured on national media including The Today Show, CNN, Headline News, Oprah and Friends, and many more.
Mat's Mission: To increase love in the world, one heart at a time.
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Before we married, I disclosed to my future husband about a 1 time indiscretion that had happened more than 20 years before in my first marriage. He knew I deeply regretted it. We never discussed it again. But 20 years later when he divorced me to marry the 17 year younger woman that he had a child with on our 10th wedding anniversary, he felt the need to call my Grandmother, my ex husband and each of my adult children to tell them about my past 1 night stand!
I’ve never regretted NOT telling some boyfriend unflattering details about my past self. Because you never know where a relationship might go. Even if you both fall in love & get married, & you think it’s okay that you trusted him & “shared;” things can still go ary in a marriage. And one day, your little old secret might be used to a smear you in court during a divorce battle. Never arm ANYONE against you! It might feel good to unburdon yourself, & to feel that you can fully trust someone. But I’m afraid it’s an illusion. Half of marriages fail. And you never know when love could turn into a war.
I laid it all out on the table when I realized I needed him to know it all before committing deeper into a relationship with him. A “this is me, if it’s too much for you, here’s your out, but I need you to know it all.”
That was the day I saw his demeanor change and our relationship really started.
Never ever….tell a man if you dont have a relationship with your father or if he was abusive in any way.
If you did not have a father…speak about a father mentor you always had and is VERY involved in your life. This will save you from abusers . This is the number 1 weakness an abuser looks for in women. If you dont have a male mentor….find one tomorrow.
A older family male,, church older male mentor, uncle father figure.
This advice will save your life.
This is so good, Mat! As a woman who has been married for 14 years, these are the most damaging things we have ever done in our relationship. I love the wisdom of this.
Warning: even if your partner is asking about past sexual stuff, just don’t tell them no matter what. I dated and quickly married a Borderline male, and I made the mistake of giving in to his multiple requests for past sexual stuff, and he ended up weaponizing that information to torture me with through the remainder of the short marriage. Huge mistake.
Wow, same. Exactly the same. I’m in the middle of a divorce. I had more experience than my borderline spouse. I spent years dealing with this.
SAME!! I spent the first year ignoring and avoiding my ex-bf’s repeated interrogative questions (more like demands) about my sexual experiences in a previous relationship. After being repeatedly broken down and interrogated for months I finally briefly told him about one very average nothing-crazy experience that I didn’t enjoy, and I made sure to casually say it while complimenting my ex-bf to ensure that his ego wouldn’t become bruised. It made things 10 times worse! Over the following year, my ex-bf would constantly bring it up, especially during fights or times of intimacy, and used that knowledge to torment me. It was awful.
@@greenlean8890he sounds like a real turd. He sounds like a very weak minded man.
Many years ago, when I was dating my husband for a while, I started knowing early on that he could be the one. I had been pretty sexually active when I was single and we lived in a really small town. I had had sex with his brother one time several years before and I thought, if he IS the one, I don’t want this to come out later and ruin things. So one night while lying in bed together I softly told him. He was quiet for a moment then softly said “I already knew. ”
It was never mentioned again and we were married almost 39 years when he passed away 💔 in 2021. He was the best man I ever knew and was truly the love of my life.
I think insecurities can be caused by past relationship trauma and I think it is completely appropriate to communicate with your partner about it so that they are not caught off guard if you react to something they say about that insecurity. For example, I got bullied for having hairy arms as a girl and when my husband asked if I ever considered shaving it, I started crying because I was already insecure about it. What then? Just lie and say I’m crazy? No, he has a right to know WHY. Sorry, but I think there are exceptions.
That’s true sometimes you need to tell him your insecurities for him to give you assurance for you
yes and you also know when you’ve got a monster on your hands, if they “tease” or try to shame you about an insecurity they know you have! So it’s a win/win… you feel protected if they look out for you and you know to get away if they don’t because it’s a very clear sign of someone not fit to be a partner
Totally agree!
@@juneelle370 yes i did tell him my insecurities and doubts and that made him doubt me too but we resolved this by being open and honest communication
@@airishviscara 💜 good~ and still always keep intuition on fleek for yourself and act on it
I have hsv 2. Got it from the guy I was married to who didn’t tell me. I have battled this intensely in my life because of the emotional trauma it caused. It no longer affects me, is not life threatening and is something I simply live with. I agree with Matt, wait until the time is right. Many people you are not going to continue dating and they don’t need to know. I used to tell people right away. Now I wait until I know that I enjoy spending time with this person and that we want the same things. I tell someone because 1. I don’t want to waste my time. 2. I would want to know. 3. If this scares them away they are not the right person and have weeded themselves out of my life. Matt is not saying to wait years or even a year but to wait until there is more of a connection and you decide that you would like to continue, then you tell them. And if they walk walk away, let them. The right person will accept you and love you, scars and all❤
Yes!
This is what happened to a couple of people I am close with. Infidelity left them with an unwelcome gift that many others can be critical of. I honestly don’t know why people make such a big deal about herpes. It’s not life-threatening and it’s a mild inconvenience. Plus I’ve heard people that have great luck in suppressing it by managing their diets and stress levels. When one of the people I mentioned met the man they wound up marrying, after leaving the cheating and physically abusive first husband, he was great about it when she informed him of the herpes. He said, “There’s nothing that could make me not love you!” – and they’ve been together 40 years.
There is a dating website called Positive Singles which is helpful when you find out you’ve been exposed or have.
@@brandyfritz1587but what if the person is afraid of contracting it from someone they like? Wouldn’t that be a fair deal breaker from preventing them from pursuing the relationship? If they can’t be intimate because the fear is turning them off sexually, that leaves the option of a sexless relationship with the two individuals involved.
@madhavi If you really and truly love someone and want to marry them, nothing will allow that fear to stand in the way. Casual sex is not casual. If you are feeling fearful, perhaps it means this person is not right for you and that you are trying to become sexual with someone you have no real connection with. Yes, it would be responsible of you to walk away before getting more entangled with someone if you are feeling fearful and this is a deal breaker for you. It’s never wise to ignore how you’re feeling about a situation.
Never tell him your weak spots, or trigger points. At first he may avoid them in order to love bomb you, and then use them to abuse you. Never give them the weapon to hurt you with.
Don’t stay with a narcissist.
@@SamStone1964 40 percent of men and women are narcissists. I’ve been through all of them since childhood
True
@@jennifersmykala1108 Wrong. That percentage is highly inaccurate and you pulled it out of your a$$.
That has EVERYTHING to do with the kind of man you’re with. 🙄
Get coached by Mat Boggs TODAY: https://www.bravethinkinginstitute.com/love-relationships/resources/mym/offer/strategy-session?div=lr&utm_source=YouTube&utm_medium=Social&utm_campaign=MYM_EVG&utm_content=CNT_video
Many years ago, on my first date with the man I would be with for the next 36 years, I spilled my guts, I told him everything about me, the good bad and ugly. Thought it would scare him off. I think he was intrigued. 😆 I lost him nearly 2 years ago. I knew everything about him as well. His humanity was most appealing. I feel totally lost in this world now. So glad I found him.
❤
I’m glad that worked out for you. I used to be like that; I’ve found it to be a dangerous gamble.
More love 💕 don’t make that mistake again
I am where you are just LOST without my mate of 41 years.
@@latinaalma1947 wow😔
I don’t let him know when I’m feeling insecure. I handle it within. Especially when he has not done anything to cause it.
Proverbs 29:11—A fool speaks his whole mind: but a wise man keeps it until later.
God knows the truth. What a powerful scripture. 😊
God bless you
AMEN!🙏🏾💯
1) 1:42 sexual details about your past partners
2) 3:04 things you hate about yourself
3) 4:22 insecurities about the relationship
4) 6:14 judgment thoughts about your partner
5) 7:28 shame stories
Super Good Advice!
Woops to late for me
Or that you are on a diet. Add to #2. Years ago men might not notice you are carrying extra weight until you tell him albeit there days women are so obese they may not even get a date to begin with.
Only #1 is the one to avoid. The rest are fine & open communication and even help you heal.
Thank you
-sexual details about others
-what you hate about yourself physically etc
-insecurities about the relationship/fishing for validation
-judgement/critical thoughts of him
Thank you!
Thank you
Not loving yourself while expecting someone else to, is at the root of sharing your personal insecurities and the things you dislike about yourself. Casting those to the side is avoiding a much deeper issue that will permeate all aspects of all of your relationships, platonic or romantic. It is also how we get trapped in codependance. Self-validation, responsibility and accountability begets self-forgiveness which is the ultimate pathway to love of self and love for others.
Well said, Nicole ❣️
Not sharing about exes and former sexual experiences is vital, even if they are sharing theirs with you. Their sharing is not an invitation to do likewise.
Exactly!
🤣
Thank you for another great video, Mat, but I strongly disagree with #5. A communicable/transmissible disease should be disclosed very early on, well prior to intimacy, as it is a deal breaker for many people. Why waste your and their time by not being transparent about something that has the potential to impact their health in the future? I work I in Family Medicine and see the devastating emotional impact of STD’s in the unknowing, made even worse when their partner has not been honest about it. It can destroy trust, and without trust, there is no healthy relationship. .
Going into a relationship only thinking about sex creates barriers to cultivating intimacy. Sex and intimacy are not mutually exclusive. A huge issue in our society today is our obsession with sex which is why so many relationships fail. People rail against the idea of abstaining from sex before creating an intimate bond with another person, but it is literally the antidote to many relational problems. Placing timelines on intimate activity is a huge red flag and sign of emotional immaturity and a good indicator that you should likely not be sexually active.
I am torn about some of the comments about the herpes example. I mean, if you care enough about the man to marry him and it’s in sickness and in health, then I think once getting a thorough explanation on how to manage the condition from your health care provider (I am one too) then it’s something the two of you will navigate together. It is not life-threatening. I understand the feeling of being tricked, in a way, and that you want to know up front as part of the trust and intimacy, so I advocate for people doing so. But people are human, and they get scared to talk about herpes. Before hiv came along, herpes was the number one virus problem in the US with millions of dollars allocated to finding a vaccine. All of that got shifted to combating hiv historically and now herpes is this quiet dilemma that no one talks about. Very very common. Only doctors know how common
No I agree with Matt 100%
@@SmittyTra-tra It’s not to single out those with Herpes, the message is that one should disclose prior to sexual intimacy that they have a communicable disease, regardless of the nature.
100% Correct
I do not necessarily agree with the last point.
Letting the partner get close enough and attached enough to later tell them about a contagious, lifelong disease could be considered a devious act and a betrayal.
(Thoughts from an outside perspective)
I agree – this could be a dealbreaker to some people, and holding off until the other person has become emotionally attached can be really devastating to him/her
It should be illegal.
@@richerDiLefto research how common it is and how often doctors don’t even test for it in std panels for that reason and then tell me it should be illegal. It can also be asymptomatic (especially in men). Still think it should be illegal ?
I agree, withholding anything that could affect the partners’ life to ensnare them is a narcissistic trait. I wasted 12yrs with someone who omitted telling me health issues and I wanted to help him solve it when I realized something was wrong. He refused to see Dr or specialists until I left. I was stuck with someone who ensnared me and my misplaced loyalty kept me there far too long trying to help as anyone would do if their partner would end up sick but this was ongoing BEFORE we met and not dealt with nor willing to be either. I had no intimacy due to his health issues and he was NOT willing to fix it ruined what I thought I was working on, a family. i felt dead inside, it took me yrs to recover. I didn’t date for 4 yrs after that and very cautiously. My dream of having a family was also destroyed. No one should be put in this situation.
@@Heidi_137
So 😢 sad? How are you now ?